Thursday, March 26, 2009

Baby and Wedding Shower Etiquette?

So I have implemented a new rule into our lives.

If we do not see you on a bi-yearly basis I will not be attending an event where I will be bringing you a present. This applies for kids events and Christmas as well. I am personally sick of being invited to showers and such where I am expected to shell out $30+ if you can't even make the time or effort to hang out or get lunch just a measly two times year. This may sound silly but seriously I am putting my foot down doesn't matter who you are, family or friends.
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Here is a prime example.
I was invited to a wedding shower, fine fun day.
I was not invited to the wedding.
I was invited to the baby shower.
I get the feel that I am being used for presents.
??Please let me know your thoughts??

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That was actually a post a did almost a year ago on our family blog.
(Don't worry this blog is much more interesting.)
I receive an e-mail today requesting that I save the date for a baby shower for the same friend in the above story. I have only spent time with her one time since her 20 month old was born and I am not going to shell out money for a second baby shower. I understand that you may want to get a few new things for your new baby and some pink things since you are expecting a girl this time. I understand purchasing a gift for your second if we are close but I am not really sure though how I feel about baby showers for a second baby.
Thoughts on either topic?

40 comments:

~Mrs. Guru~ said...

I agree. Mr. Guru has this same rule as well.

Mrs. J L said...

Oh I DEFINITELY agree with you! I think it is VERY rude to invite someone only to the shower and not to the actualy wedding. That is a no no in any wedding etiquete book. If you are not close to them (only come showers), don't feel obligated into going.

Kelly said...

What bad manners! You should definitely not get them a gift- that was very tacky of them not to even invite you to the wedding. =(

Kelly said...

I agree! I didn't even think that a second baby shower was customary or appropriate? Maybe I'm living behind the times, but my mother has always told me you get one baby shower for your first child... So i agree with Mrs. J L, don't feel obligated to go.

d.a.r. said...

Wow, sounds pretty money grubbing to me!! The only exception to that rule, I think, is for relatives. At my wedding shower, there were lots of women that I hadn't seen in over 3 years...but they were all relatives of myself or my husband.

But for friends? I think not.

Jordan said...

I totally agree with you. Most people don't have a baby shower for the second baby anyway.

SassyEngineer said...

I had always heard that you didn't have a baby shower for a second baby unless the first one was a lot older (I can't remember the exact age). For example, a couple at our church had a "surprise blessing" when their other two children were 16 and 13, not 20 months. Therefore they had no baby stuff let so we had a shower for them. Otherwise I think it is in poor taste to have a formal shower if you just had a child recently.

Dollface said...

Ouch. Wedding shower but not the wedding, no thanks! Why do they need you at the non-signifcant events but not the most important day... some people really arent so polite!! xoxo

The Cape House said...

I think it is extremely bad form to invite someone to a shower and then not the wedding. It might have been an oversight, but then if the only contact you've really had since then is more invites to present events, I agree with your approach.

Elisabeth said...

the no 2nd shower rule is pretty relaxed around my area, but even i think people go way overboard. unfortunately, there are lots of "rednecks" in my area, many of which belong to my best friend's family -- she is NOT a redneck, btw. :) anyhow, i received a shower invitation the other day for my best friend's cousin. first of all, circumstances surrounding the baby's conception are tacky at best -- long story (not trying to judge - just being honest). secondly, i do not see her except at their family functions (of the occasional ones i attend), and i have never intentionally spoken with her on the phone. yet she sends me a shower invitation with a REGISTRY CARD taped to the outside of the envelope! quadruple ick.

brown eyed girl said...

I was writing a post about that and will be posting it today! It's a pet peeve of mine, I do not like that at all!!

Jennifer said...

I might go, but I would only bring a card. Maybe she wants to start up a more consistent relationship again and the shower is a good excuse? I don't know, but I wouldn't spend the money on a gift.

LyndsAU said...

I agree 100%! That's just ridiculous!

The George Family said...

It sounds like she doesn't have a great sense of etiquete. Second, having a second baby shower is becoming more common, but if you aren't close to her, don't feel like you need to go and take a gift(or go and take something REALLY small, like under $10). I think that as long as you are comfortable with the same rule when you have a baby you are doing the right thing.

koopermom said...

I would NOT go. I have a friend like that too. She has never even met my son, and I haven't seen her in probably 3 years. She got married last fall, and I was invited to 2 showers, the bach. party and the wedding. Now, a baby shower.
Um. Hello? I don't really think we are even "friends" anymore. I don't even have her phone number.
I think for some people, it's all show. It is rude.

Blue-Eyed Bride said...

well i live in a town where i don't know many people and my family lives somewhere else. my best friends live in the town where my family lives and i only get to see them two or three times a year, so i did invite them to a shower.

then there's the town where i grew up and spent 20 total years of my life, but my family doesn't live there anymore. people there offered to throw me a shower and i only get back there once a year-- maybe. but i stay in contact with everyone.

i think it's tough-- especially if you live somewhere and you're totally displaced from your loved ones.

i don't think second baby showers for baby #2 are ever acceptable, though. and anyone that's invited to a wedding shower must be invited to the wedding. period. ridiculous.

Suzette said...

This is such funny time for me to read your post! I have been touching up on baby shower etiquette since my sil just offered to host one for me. I'm a little nervous b/c I have family members on the list that I haven't seen in probably 8 months to a year.. uh oh!!! If they invite you to the shower but not to the wedding, I would scratch them off my giving list. That is the absolute RUDEST thing ever! #2 - I have always felt the first shower was appropraite, but no more after baby #1, UNTIL I heard it explained to me as a celebration of baby #2.. Baby #2, 3, 4 get jipped b/c they get hand me downs etc and it's like oh this isn't a big deal after breaking the ice with the first kid. I personally love the idea of a Baby-Que, BBQ, or a sip and see! It's just a time to get together and celebrate the second (or third or eighteenth baby...) If someone wants to give a gift, I believe they would do it at an event that gifts are not required like a shower! The Sip and see's are nice b/c they actually get to meet the kiddo that they may be giving a gift to.. I am so excited about having a shower, but more than the gifts, I am so excited to tell Kyah that my friends and family got together to celebrate her new life! Hope this helps! - sorry that was super long! :)

Mrs. Bell said...

My rules on Etiquette,

1. if they have to myspace you to get your number to call for your address then, dont go.

2. if you seem then 4 times a year or more, buying a gift would be nice but stay within a reasonable price range, unless distance is what keeps you apart, (ie they live far away).

3. if they invite you to a shower and not the wedding, and then the baby shower, heck no, i wouldnt buy them ANYTHING ever again, as Michelle Tanner would say, "HOW RUDE."

4. Use your heart, don't ever feel obligated to purchase a gift, only purchase gifts because you WANT TO, if you are doing it for reasons other than that, then that should answer your question.

5. And to the 2nd baby shower question, I would ask have I ever seen baby 1, Do I remember Baby 1's name, Did I get a thank you card from Baby 1, and if no to all of the above forget it, let her buy her own stinkin baby items.

Good luck,, :)

Brittany..

Abbie said...

If you live nearby, I say no way. If you don't, I can understand a bit... but not being invited to the wedding when you were at their shower?? NO WAY!

Kelly said...

Is it not a rule that if you are invited to a shower then you are to be invited to the wedding? If not then it should be. I don't blame you about the baby showers either. Since you are on an etiquette rant let me add my own in; we received a wedding invitation in that mail this week from one of Hubs fraternity brothers. I knew this guy before I had even met my husband. He was at our wedding 3 years ago. He is marrying a girl that has the same name as me. The invitation that we get is addressed to my husband only and on the inside envelope says "Mr. Hubs and guest". We have been married for 3 years, he knows my name; why is it not on the invitation!
Some people really need to take a class on etiquette.

Elizabeth said...

Hi Lauren - first comment for me!

It is totally not okay to invite someone to a bridal shower and not to the wedding.

If you are invited and you haven't talked to that person in a while I think that you should decline, but send them a nice note congratulating them.

Lucky in Love said...

I can't believe you were invited to a shower and not the wedding!!

Anyway..I have always heard you only have a shower for the 1st baby. So...I wouldn't feel bad about not going at all. Plus...you don't even talk to her.

Milltini said...

I think thats a pretty good plan. There are some friends that I just can't see all that often because of where they are in their lives...but in general, that is a fair rule. If I feel like I received the invitation out of a genuine desire for me to be at the event and they make as much of an effort as I do, then its legit. I can't believe how rude they were to invite you to the shower, but not the wedding. Tacky, tacky!

Elizabeth said...

That just kills me! Don't buy her a darn thing! You're already $60 in and 0 committment from this "friend" out.

Laura Lives Fabulously said...

It is so rude to invite someone to a shower and not a wedding. Even if you have a small wedding you shouldn't do that. Also, not a big fan of showers for 2nd babies.

BLC :o said...

Invitations get lost ... since she MUST have "lost" your wedding invite, I propose you "loose" her 2nd baby invite. Tit for tat. Emily Post might disagree, but I promise not to tattle on you whatever you decide. Xoxo-BLC

Elizabeth said...

I completely agree with you. I think that is SO Rude! My boyfriend and I are friends with this couple who have married, had a kid, and are now pregnant with another. I don't mind celebrating and giving gifts. BUT. We moved away 3 years ago and they have not ONCE come to visit us or celebrate OUR big joys in life.

We flew home for their wedding, bought a gift for the wedding, bought a gift for congratulations on 1st expecting, sent a gift to their shower and finally for the birth of their son.

I can tell you one thing, there will not be: gift after gift after shower after birth of us spending and spending. If you can't make an effort for us, we are through doing it for you.

Kristen said...

I had 3 showers when I was expecting my son Graham. Zero when I was expecting my son Greg. (a lot of great close friends dropped gifts by when they came to see him.) And I had one shower thrown for me when I was expecting baby #3 (A GIRL!! She is a Lauren also!) I was thrilled to see so much pink and to have my friends celebrate our girl with us. So I guess I come form the school where a shower for the first of each sex is okay. But the guest list was much different with #3 and they included people I attend church with, close friends and family.

To be invited to a shower and then not the wedding? I've never heard of anything so rude! I've been invited to a few baby showers of people I haven't heard from except for a Christmas card for years! My usual response is sending a favorite children's book in the mail with a card and my regrets. It costs me less than $10, I don't feel like a louse for ignoring the invite and yet I've still spared an afternoon or evening of my time with people who aren't really that great of friends to being with.

I just posted yesterday on another wedding etiquette peeve of mine. Seems to be the season!

Angela said...

I think inviting someone to a shower and NOT the wedding is about the tackiest thing I've ever heard! I implemented a version of your rule this past Christmas with my sister's stepdaughters, (ages 21 and 17) that I will not be buying them gifts if they only show up at Christmas! I mean, I think they are well past the age of having their feelings hurt about it!

Tara Gibson said...

oh wow that is really rude. I agree with you and would not go.

Baby #2 showers, i think that its ok to have them for friends and family. I am most def throwing my sister a shower for her third baby. Of course she is not registering, but we want to get the new baby some cute things!

Tara Gibson said...

ps. I would love to do the workout post! I might even be able to do a video and post it for you?

My email is Taragibson15@hotmail.com if you want to email me

The Shabby Princess said...

I agree!!! Unless it's a situation in which you all were like bestest bestest friends and then kind of drifted apart, but, still realize that you're both VERY important to each other.. But, that's kind of an exception in my mind.

I'm OK with baby showers for 2nd baby if it's a different gender--BUT, it needs to be a very laid back and casual affair with no fancy gift registering. And we all know I love a good gift registry.

MG said...

Wow! Good for you for putting your foot down and not going to the baby shower. As for weddings, you only invite people to showers who are also invited to the event. I would have been majorly irritated.

Brown Eyed Girl said...

I can't believe you were invited to the wedding shower but not the wedding!!! That is like the golden rule of shower/weddings! I completely agree with your rules. There is no sense in you wasting your time or money on someone who just wants an extra gift!!

Polka Dots & Protein Bars said...

I totally agree!!!!

Kristen said...

Seriously!? I'd write whoever that "friend" is and tell her that's crap. That's so unbelievably rude.

Oh, and inviting someone to a bridal shower and not the wedding is the epitome of tacky. Tell her I said so. ;)

Sara said...

I one hundred percent agree. I'm so tired of being invited to second and third baby showers. I get the whole "diaper shower" concept, but seriously people, registering for additional children. Save your big items if you plan on having more than one! And, weddings are getting crazy too. Multiple showers are only okay if you are in the wedding or it's your sibling in my opinion.

SJN said...

proper wedding etiquette... you do not invite anyone to any of the pre-wedding celebrations that will not be invited to the wedding itself. sooooo tacky of them, shame, shame!

Lavender Lily said...

It is terrible etiquette to invite someone to a wedding shower and not the wedding...surely, it was an oversight or a lost invitation situation...surely...?

In general, I don't think 2nd baby showers are acceptable, but there are a few exceptions to this rule -1) If you're having a different gender and a group of close friends want to help you out a little bit (not the random people that you only see once a year), or 2) perhaps if you are having twins the second time around, and you just don't have enough stuff to get you through.

I like your rule. On first glance, it does a look a little harsh, but I think it's a good rule of thumb. However, when you have your baby shower, you must invite these people so you can get gifts from them!

=)

Erin said...

I totally agree!

Is it customary to have a shower for each child? I mean, if the circumstance is special (high-risk pregnancy, twins, etc.) I might understand...but around here you get one shower and gifts for additional kids are optional.

And being invited to the wedding shower but not the wedding is insulting!